


Can we really do this?

by Whoisgoodisbeautiful



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, berena - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-27 14:05:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8404492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whoisgoodisbeautiful/pseuds/Whoisgoodisbeautiful
Summary: Thank you for lovely comments! I'm quite new to this so I'm very grateful for any opinions on whether I should continue this or leave it there. Thanks!





	1. Chapter 1

Serena keeps looking at her watch. She fidgets nervously with the strap that holds it to her wrist. She should get a new watch. This one is old and doesn't at all radiate 'Serena', she thinks. Well, it did, once, but now she feels the sudden urge to take it off and get a new one. A different one. Maybe a silvery one with roman numerals? She studies her watch intently until the tannoy system plays the familiar notes she's heard so many times in the last hour. Her head jerks up and her brow creases as she struggles to understand what the voice is actually saying. She got ”British Airways flight from” but that was it and that could be just about any flight in this place. She bobbed up and down on her tiptoes and craned her neck to try to get a glimpse of the arrivals screen. She silently cursed having inherited the shortest genes in her family, everyone towering over her and the familiar feeling of having missed something up ahead always present.  
”Fuck this”, she wispers to herself and with a new determination she starts elbowing her way forward in the crowd outside the Heathrow terminal 5 arrivals.  
”Excuse me”, she says, her voice loud and authoritative, not at all how she's actually feeling but it can't hurt to put on the role. She might even fool herself.

She is standing at the front of the crowd now. People with balloons, posters, name signs are all around her. Should she have got a balloon? No, that's silly, she decides. Or is it? She contemplates going to the gift shop and getting some kind of token but the prospect of fighting her way through smelly and sweaty bodies again deterrs her. She can now see the screen in front of her. She squints as the neon coloured letters seem to blink slightly (who designed these stupid screens anyway?). British airways flight from Kiev – landed. 20 minutes ago! Had she missed her? Had she gone past while Serena was struggling behind 8 rows of heads? Surely not. But then again, how long could it take to get off a plane? Luggage. Serena let out a shaky breath. Of course, Bernie would have to wait for her luggage. That could take ages, she knew from experience and gave an exasperated nod of her head as the scenario played out in her head. 

Bernie. Her heart flutters as she realises she's about to see Bernie soon. Her restless hand start fiddling with her necklace as the other holds on to her purse. Bernie. They had spoken on the phone a few times. Nothing too personal. Very ordinary conversations.  
”How's everything going?”  
”Yeah, fine”.  
”I've been landed with the neighbour's cat for the week.”  
”Really? Sounds challenging”.  
”Yeah”.  
”How's Fletch doing?”  
”Good, good. He's back home now. Kids driving him up the walls. Metaphorically speaking, of course. He can't actually climb anything yet. Stuck on the ground floor for now.”  
…........  
”Sounds good.”  
”Yes”.  
And so it goes on. After the initial call they start texting a bit. Then they call again.  
”So, when was it you're coming back?” Serena's casual tone is broken by a slight hitch in her breath and she starts coughing. ”Sorry, air.. *cough* caught...”  
”Next Tuesday”.  
”Right. So... Is Cameron picking you up then?”  
”You know he isn't. You set the rota.”  
”Oh, of course! I'm so sorry, I can change it, of course! I didn't think, well, I didnt know, so how could I...”  
”It's fine, Serena. Don't worry about it. I don't need picking up. I'm a big girl now.” Serena laughs quietly and her cheeks turn hot and red.  
”Right. Ok. Actually, what time Tuesday?”  
”6pm”  
”Well, I think I'd be free then, if you want, I could, well, I could.. you know, pick you up. Just, drive you home, if you like? Saves you the taxi fare. And I don't really have anything else planned. Jason has a quiz show marathon planned, don't ask me which show it seems he keeps finding new shows just when I thought there couldn't be any more shows out there he still manages to stream something that isn't even shown on TV because it's so obscure and he still finds it and I'm not really that interested and he knows I'm not that interested so he doesn't really expect me to sit with him and he's quite content just watching on his own you know”  
”Serena! That would be great, if you're sure you don't mind.”  
”No, of course I don't mind! So, Tuesday 6pm.”  
”Yes.”  
”Great”  
”Ok”  
”Bye”  
”Bye”  
”Wait! What airport? And terminal?”  
”Oh, right, Heathrow. Terminal 5”  
”Ok. Bye then.”  
”Bye”

And that's how she's ended up here, slightly jumpy and still craning her neck even though there's no one in front of her. People keep coming out of the automatic double doors and she keeps looking behind them. Try to get a glimpse of the corridor to see if she's on her way. A group of people just landed from Turkey make their way through the double doors. She can see their luggage tags with the 'Turkish air' written in big white letters. She checks the screen again. Turkish airlines from Ancara – landed 20 minutes ago. Same time as Bernie's flight. So she must be on her way, surely. The group with the red bag tags hover for a moment just in front of her trying to figure out where they're going. Someone points right, someone left. Serena gets irritated and just wants them to make up their minds and get out of the way. Finally they seem to find a sign they like and head left. Once the big group leaves the double doors remain shut for a while. A very long while. Is there something wrong with them? Is this some technical malfunction that means people will find an alternate route out and she wouldn't see who exists? Or, worse, is this deliberate? Is this some kind of security breach where they will all be evacuated from the terminal building and the people left inside will be taken hostages and..... ”Calm yourself down, Campbell. This won't do, won't do at all”, she mutters under her breath. ”You're being ridiculous”, she says, slightly louder. The lady beside her eyes her suspiciously. Serena turns to look at her defiantly. ”Can I help you?” she asks, complimenting herself for managing to sound so calm. The lady shakes her head and looks back towards the double doors, clearly not keen to start a coversation with this lunatic. 

The double doors open and Serena's irritable frame of mind dissipates as she turns her head to see the blonde locks she's been waiting to see for so long. And yes, she can only see the locks since Bernie is simulateously walking and trying to put her passport away in her bag. When she finally looks up Serena is frozen to the spot. She sees Bernie's eyes looking for her in the crowd and when she sees her smiles a shy smile that make Serena's knees feel weak. But she doesn't show it. She smiles back at Bernie and starts the mundane conversation she'd rather not be having.  
”Welcome back, Major. Had a good flight?” Serena kicks herself for her faux cheerful demeanour.  
”Yes, fine, thank you”, Bernie replies still that shy smile playing at her mouth.  
”Good” Serena's racks her brain for a next move. Any move. Actually, no, not any move. A respectable move. ”Shall we?”, she settles on just trying to get out of there. Break the spell.  
”Yes”, Bernie nods multiple nods and turns her eyes down to the floor.  
They stand in front of each other, neither saying anything for a while. Bernie keeps looking at the floor every now and then turning her eyes towards Serena but not really looking at her.  
Serena stares at the seemingly helpless woman in front of her. She wants to shout at her, yell, give her hell for what she put her through. But she also wants to grab her face and plant a kiss on that twitching mouth of hers. She should, however, just lead her back to the car and drive her home. That is what she should do. And she is doing it. Soon. She will behave respectably in public. She is a respected surgeon and Trauma lead, well, co-lead, and she is used to being in power. In control. She will be in control here as well. She will...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for lovely comments! I'm quite new to this so I'm very grateful for any opinions on whether I should continue this or leave it there. Thanks!

Bernie looks up at the screen in front of her. It's playing some ridiculous funny-animals-doing-stupid-stuff show. She looks away, through the window, down at the clouds. Even the clouds are different here from the Ukraine, she thinks. She looks at her watch. 7.40pm. No, that's wrong. She hasn't reset her watch to GMT yet. It's always the last thing she does when she come back from tour. This time is no different. At least this time she won't be struggling with adapting to civilian life. She's been a civilian in Kiev as well but it doesn't feel like that detail will make the transition any easier. There is something about England that fills her with dread.  
”Cabin crew, please take your seats, prepare for landing, 10 minutes to landing”, says the tannoy voice of the captain. 10 minutes. That is 10 minutes until she's back 'home' although it never feels like home. It feels like the place she has to pretend is home and she must put on a persona of happiness and relaxation. At least before she would know at this point that she only had to keep the pretense up for a certain amount of time. She could deal with it as long as she knew she would be able to drop the mask once she headed back into the field. Back to where she could be herself, actually relax, however ironic that sounded. War zones weren't exactly known for their spa resorts.  
20 – 19 – 18 – 17 – 16 – 15 – 14 – 13 – 12 – 11 – 10 – 9 – 8 – 7 – 6 – 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 – 1 – 0 – -1 – -2 – -3 – -4 – thud. Wheels meet tarmac. 4 seconds off. She was getting better at this. Bernie gripped the armrests on either side of her and closed her eyes while the plane pushed her back into her seat as it slowed down quickly, before it missed the turn for their gate.  
8.00pm sharp. They were on time. She really should reset her watch. The plane taxied up to their gate and stopped. In an instant there was the incessant clipping noise from people unbuckling their seat belts. Bernie took a deep breath. ”Please remain in your seats until the fasten seat belt sign is off”, the patient yet weary voice of the flight attendant could be heard over the scuffling and shuffling.

Every time, Bernie thought. Do people really not learn? And why the rush anyway? They will all leave the plane eventually and there will be very few seconds’ difference whether they shove and push, or just wait for the doors to be opened. What makes all these people so desperate to leave anyway? Bernie is quite comfortable on the plane and could stay there. Ask for a lift back? Or join the cabin crew to wherever they were going next. Another deep breath. 8.05. Really, was that only five minutes? People have started moving and she braces herself. There's nothing to it. She pulls her hand luggage from under the seat in front of her and stands up, taking care not to hit her head as she does. A man stops as he sees her stand and kindly motions for her to join the steady stream of people leaving the aircraft before him. Bernie manages a smile and hurries along the aisle. She doesn't look at the cabin crew as she exits the plane and drags her feet through the corridors to go and find her luggage.

This all felt hauntingly familiar. Standing here waiting for her bag to be hoisted onto the belt and sent into the terminal building where she could pick it up. But that wasn't the only thing that was familiar. It was this feeling of dread that she always had as she stood here. At first, before Cameron was born, it was dread that Marcus wouldn't pick her up. That she would be left standing in arrivals looking for Marcus, people around her turning their heads to stare at the woman who was so obviously abandoned. Once Cameron was born she stopped fearing being abandoned at arrivals. She would almost hope that they weren't there, so she could have a few more moments to compose herself before building up her wall of defense. But they were always there, Marcus, Cameron, eventually Charlotte. And they were always smiling, so happy to see her, running unsteady little steps towards her. Throwing themselves at her, hugging her leg, waist when they could reach. If she hadn't built up her wall properly she would feel a pang of guilt, a pain in the pit of her stomach that etched itself into her whole body and stayed for the remainder of her stay. That's how she learnt she had to be completely prepared before exiting the hall. Before meeting the little faces full of joy. Once Cameron and Charlotte grew into teenagers they stopped running towards her but they would still turn up, with Marcus, at the airport and give her a hug. She would smile and say she'd missed them. She would turn to Marcus, give him a hug and a quick kiss before starting the routine questions about how they'd been, the questions she'd prepared and rehearsed on the plane. She would start with general questions, not too personal and definitely nothing that could be traced back to the fact that she had not been there. She’d realized the best way to avoid tuff subjects was to plan ahead. Always think about the future rather than dwelling on the past. “We should go to that new cinema opening tomorrow, what do you say?” or “I hope you feel prepared for your exams next week!” 

Bernie realises she hasn’t rehearsed any questions this time. In case Serena turns up. She thinks ‘in case’ because she’s been trying to convince herself that their conversation last week was just a formality. It was just Serena being polite; they hadn’t actually decided anything, had they? Maybe they had. Well, she certainly hadn’t been expecting Serena to offer to pick her up. When she did Bernie was taken aback and didn’t know how to respond. Had even forgotten to tell her which airport she was flying to! Serena had remembered. She’d asked and Bernie had told her. But does that mean there was actually an agreement? Somewhere in the back of her head she knows there was but this is part of her defense. She doesn’t want to face the disappointment if Serena doesn’t turn up so she’s preparing for the worse. She’s also giving Serena permission to change her mind about picking her up. Serena herself knows nothing of this permission, of course. It’s just a kind of self-preservation. Expect the worse and you will never be disappointed! Something she was taught as a child, by one of her kinder nannies. She had stuck to that tactic all her life. So, no script but she knew what to do. Reset the watch, head out of the hall, have a quick look around to see if Serena is there but maintaining an air of decisiveness, she knows where she’s heading and should not stop walking. That’s the trick. Not to stop and look around, just look around casually, as if not actually expecting to see anyone she recognised. And if, in fact, she did spot Serena, smile! Don’t forget to smile. Be friendly, not too friendly. 

8.20. And there’s her bag! She pushes her way past a couple and yanks the bag off the belt. She throws it over her shoulder and stops for a moment. She resets her watch; she is well and truly in England now. She has a plan and her wall is up so there nothing left but head out. There’s no one in front of her so she barges ahead. It feels like she’s done this a million times and it should get easier but as she sees the double doors in front of her swing open her courage falters and she looks away, decides this is a good time to check her passport is in her bag. She picks it out, she’s out through the doors now, she puts the passport back and looks up. She follows her plan, no stopping, just a quick glace around – and there she is, at the front of the crowd: Serena. Bernie smiles, it’s all going to plan. ”Welcome back, Major. Had a good flight?” Serena says cheerfully.   
”Yes, fine, thank you”, Bernie replies, reminding herself to keep smiling.  
”Good”, Serena says and is then silent. It’s Bernie’s turn to speak. Damn it, she should have prepared better for this. She knew it was going to be awkward and difficult. Why didn’t she write a script?! Serena smiles and says ”Shall we?” Oh god! Why didn’t she prepare, Serena must be seeing right through her wall now. ”Yes”, Bernie nods. They should get out of here but her legs feel heavy and her mind is drifting. She had hours on that flight, hours of doing nothing, just staring out the window. She should have prepared better!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is dragging on a bit. Planning on finishing it in the next chapter.

Serena feels a fluttering in her stomach as she sees Bernie’s shy smile. She looks so helpless, so lost. She’s used to Bernie being in command, to be decisive and know what she wants. She’s not entirely sure what to do with this broken person in front of her. What has Kiev done to her Bernie? Or is this who she’s always been and Serena just hasn’t seen it? Serena’s resolve to keep in control and to keep this airport encounter civil is starting to crumble as she sees Bernie’s hands tremble. Serena reaches forward and tentatively tries to break Bernie’s hands apart. She can see the white knuckles and the tensed fingers and she understands that this is Bernie trying to cope. The number of times Serena has seen a patient in pain, and not only physical pain but psychological pain, seen their ways of coping, of putting up a front so no one can suspect how much they are actually hurting. She’s surprised, annoyed, angry at herself for not noticing this in Bernie.   
Serena’s fingers have managed to break through the stony grip, she brings forth her other hand and takes each of Bernie’s hands in her own. She no longer tries to sound cheerful or mundane. It was the wrong approach, she can see that now and she tries desperately to rectify it.   
“Bernie”, she says quietly, coaching Bernie to look at her. Her eyes are not met so she tries again, a little more forcefully. “Bernie, look at me”. Bernie shifts nervously, her smile is distant and she turns her face towards Serena but her eyes focus somewhere behind her. Serena brings her right hand, still clasping Bernie’s left, up to Bernie’s chin. “Look at me, please”. Finally Bernie’s eyes meet hers. Serena smiles warmly and hopes Bernie sees the happiness and love in her eyes. “Welcome home, Bernie”, she says softly, willing Bernie to actually hear not only her words but her tone, her intentions and her feelings. If saying she was falling in love, albeit rather convolutely, was enough to scare Bernie away, she wasn’t going to make that mistake again. She wouldn’t say it but that didn’t mean she couldn’t show it. And right now, it seems Bernie needed to feel it. To feel Serena wasn’t blaming her, didn’t hate her. The distant smile on Bernie’s face grew and her eyes became more focused. 

The moment was abruptly broken by the woman next to them shrieking “Harold, Harold! Over here Harold”, to a grumpy-looking man pulling a bright orange suitcase behind him. 

Serena rolled her eyes without thinking and was surprised to hear a sniggering sound from Bernie. She was surprised to find such a small, insignificant sound could make her feel so warm and fuzzy inside. She had done it. She had broken through the first layer. She had no idea how many were left but she wouldn’t give up until she’d reached all the way. And she wouldn’t let Bernie run away again. Not without a valid excuse. I care about you. I don’t want to hurt you, just wasn’t valid enough and it was a stupid and selfish thing to do but she would confront Bernie with that later. When she knew she’d be able to take it and defend herself. If she confronted her now she was afraid Bernie would fall apart and she’d lose her forever. So instead she let go of one of Bernie’s hands and tugged lightly at the other. “Shall we get out of here?” she said with a nod towards the exit. Bernie nodded silently and let herself be led out, towards the car park.

***

There’s warmth emanating from Serena’s hand that makes Bernie wonder. Is she real? She lets herself be led through the crowd and towards the car park. What is she doing? She should put a stop to this. She is sure she’ll end up hurting Serena and Bernie cares about her so much. Too much. It’s a terrifying feeling and she’s played the film in her head so many times she knows it’s always the same ending. It’s the same ending as she’s lived before, with Alex, with Marcus, Cameron, Charlotte. The most important people in her life are always blaming her in her mind. Alex loved her, she knows that, and she gave her a chance, she even gave her a second chance and Bernie blew it. She broke Alex’s heart. Marcus loved her as well. He really did. 25 years of marriage was a testimony to that. And she had fun, she enjoyed be married to Marcus. They had their good moments when he wasn’t blaming her for abandoning her family and when she wasn’t feeling guilty for leaving him and their children. Their lovely children. She broke Marcus’ heart. But nothing hurt as much as breaking her children’s hearts. That wasn’t one action, not one moment when it happened but a slow, agonising process of deceit, lies and broken promises. Marcus would tell her, in detail, how Cameron and Charlotte would react when they woke up one morning and their mum was gone. “When’s mummy coming back?” they’d ask. “She’s gone to work”, he’d reply. “She’ll be back in 6 months”. Cameron was the first to understand the concept on time. 6 months was not soon. It was not in time for bedtime with hot cocoa and a bedtime story. In was enough time for 5-year-old Cameron to forget what his mother looked like. Marcus would tell her at what point they’d stop asking for her. 4 weeks was usually enough time for them to get used to it. They’d adapt their lives so they wouldn’t expect Bernie back, or miss her. Marcus was always there for bedtime so they didn’t have to ask for mummy. He always went to their school recitals, nativity plays and football games. He made sure Charlotte always had someone to wave to from the pitch and Cameron could always catch his eye and see how proud he way when the curtain came down. Marcus also made sure Bernie knew this. He’d send her long letters telling her all about what Cameron and Charlotte were up to. He masked it as a newsletter and said he was sure she’d love to hear all about their progress in life. And she did, she did want to hear all about them, be a part of their lives if only on the receiving end of a letter. But she would also feel the sting of missing so many things. One particular letter hurt more than the others. Marcus’s letter reached her a week before she was due home. In it he told her all about having had “the talk” with Charlotte. He said she was going to a party and he wanted to make sure she knew all about consent and protection before she went. Which was fair enough. She was 14 and the topic had to be approach, of course it had. But she felt that she had failed on so many levels then. It was easier when Marcus had talked to Cameron a couple of years before, it was easily dismissed as a typical conversation for a father and son but this was her daughter. She had failed Marcus for making him have that conversation. She had failed Charlotte for having to listen to her father talking about things that were sure to make her feel incredibly embarrassed. On the other hand Marcus was probably better prepared for that conversation and Charlotte did know him much better than she knew her. So maybe it was for the best. She always tried to convince herself that it was for the best. Marcus was a much better father than she was a mother. Always had been.  
“Bernie!”  
She was brought back to the here and now by Serena squeezing her hand and looking worriedly at her. “You ok?” she asked carefully. Bernie cleared her throat, not sure how her voice would come out. “Yup”. Short and to the point was all she could manage, nodding and giving Serena a small smile. “Ok then. Will you get in the car?” Serena’s voice sounded distant and it took her a while before realizing they were standing in front of Serena’s car, the passenger door open and Serena waiting patiently for her to move. “Right”, Bernie reluctantly let go of Serena’s hand and instantly felt she missed it. She reprimanded herself silently for getting used to the warmth, the comfort Serena’s hand provided. She reminded herself she was trying not to hurt Serena, not ruin her and break her heart. Closing her eyes, she started counting and breathing. Focusing on breathing, four in, four out. She knew Serena wouldn’t give up that easily. She would make her talk but she was going to be prepared then. She just needed some time to compose herself.


End file.
